Conflict and Life

I don't like conflict. No one really does. However, I find that I am especially adverse to conflict situations. My hands shake. My breathing shallows. I have to really REALLY work hard to prevent myself from saying something that I'll later regret. After the conflict, I roll it over and over again in my mind. If the conflict is really big, it'll ruin at least two of my days. Then I go back to normal.

I have had a conflict situation with someone I am working with. At the root of it is a mis-communication (on his part) but of course people live from their perceptions and he does not perceive it that way. As fate would have it, this individual works in London and I am in Copenhagen and the conflict played out over IM Skype.

I prefer to write. It gives me time to consider a more measured response. If it were face to face, I am not sure what I would have said, but I am almost certain that I would have escalated the matter. I measured my responses as I banged them out on the keyboard (I realized that I was going to do real damage to my computer if I didn't stop), but I held the higher ground in the argument and didn't lose control.

After the conflict (I ended with a diplomatic "Lets agree to talk about this issue tomorrow" vs "Go & Fuck yourself" - which is what I really wanted to say). I noticed that my hands were shaking and my breathing had shallowed. I was pretty damned mad.

I've been praying and meditating on how to better handle conflict with people. I had (yet another) conflict situation with a contractor that I am working with - and let me tell you, I am not proud of the way I handled it. I shouted on the phone. I said some things -while still professional, probably didn't help our situation or theirs. There were implied threats. Saber waving. Angry grunts. Not my highest professional moment.

I asked God for an opportunity to better handle conflict - and right as rain, he handed it to me. It landed square in my lap.

Once I had a chance to calm myself, I looked for cues to my behavior to tell me that I am getting angry. Besides the shallow breathing and shaking, if I am on the computer, I start banging my words into the keyboard. These are all signs "danger, angry situation ahead!"

Also, I realize that I tend to shut people down after conflict. After I thought about it for a while, I decided to block this person via Skype. I didn't really need them to complete my project and I didn't want to expend precious energy keeping this squabble going during a busy upcoming week. If he was offended by that - well its his problem. It'll also let him know how I feel.

I said that I'd check in daily with myself to see if I was ready to remove the block. Once I remove the block, I have to understand that it provides an opportunity to continue the conflict - or to resolve it. If and until I was comfortable with that, the Skype block would remain. I've had the block in place for about four days.

I was thinking, I never met this person who I am having a conflict with. I have only heard his voice and Skyped with him. If I passed him on the street, I wouldn't know it. Hell, he could be a Cocker Spaniel and I wouldn't even know it. Whats the harm in continuing to ignore this guy?

On Wednesday I received an email from one of my precious and high profile contacts. He said that he won't be attending an important meeting that I was organizing in London, but his partner (said person I am having a conflict with) will be asked to participate instead. I had no idea that these two people were affiliated. I looked up towards the sky. I smiled. Its a small world here in Europe. God isn't letting me off so easy.

I asked for experience handling conflict. And I got just that. Thank you God...

Back In Copenhagen : Life Continues

I really hate this new Blogger format for writing blogs. The screen looks so different than I am used to and I feel that it impedes my writing process. I wish they would change back to the old style. I liked that format so much better.

I arrived back in Copenhagen last Thursday. In my whole history of travel, I never missed a flight - until last Thursday. When driving to the airport with my father we hit a wall of traffic. We arrived to the airport within 15 minutes of my flight but the gate agent wouldn't let me run to the gate. So I missed it and had to be rerouted through Chicago.

 I arrived back in Copenhagen 7 hours later than initially expected and it was a holiday here! Danes are the most atheistic people out there but they have a TON of obscure Christian holidays that they celebrate every spring. All of the grocery stores were closed and of course I had no food. I had to make due with some stuff from the local corner store for dinner.

 The weather here has been lovely and spring is in full force in Copenhagen. When Copenhagen is beautiful, it is REALLY beautiful. Warm sum (the sun seems super intense here) and people laying out on the grass getting some of that sun. On Sunday, there was a marathon and my apartment was across from the finish line! I woke up to music, people cheering and all around good vibes. I really liked it.

I love my neighborhood. Its far more urban than my apartment was in Amager and there is a lot of good vibes and young folks walking around the city. My lease is up at the end of July (*sigh*) so I have to move. I have no idea where I am moving next. My work contract is up at the end of June and I have no idea where I'll be working next.

 Uncertainty. Its kinda scary knowing that everything will change (from where I am working to where I am living) will totally change in a few months and I have absolutely no idea how things will pan out. I have unpacked my boxes and suitcases in my new home but I haven't put them away. Because I know the time will come all too soon to pack those cases and be off on my merry way.

I was talking with a friend and I have come to the conclusion that I will seek my own private apartment again. I simply cannot risk living with another roommate - EVER AGAIN. If I am not married to someone or they are not a blood relative, I will not share a living space with them. PERIOD.

I have seen great roommate situations. I have seen crappy roommate situations. And when roommate situations go bad, they get real ugly. I don't want anyone to ever tell me to 'get out' again. I want my name on the lease and to hold my own keys. Thats simply the way I'm committed to living my life. Financially, if I need to look into getting a roommate it may be worth exploring me going back to the USA.

I'm not dealing with this mess again.

 I've also joined a dating website called OKCupid. I don't really like online dating, but this is kinda the hipster dating website. Its okay and it has a different vibe from Match.com. I've gotten a positive response so far from being part of the website.

 Its my own intuition that I am not meant to meet someone just yet - and that when I am supposed to meet someone it will be apparent and happen quite easily. Looking to have a stable relationship is quite a challenge when everything in my life is so tentative and unstable. There is a contradiction there that I feel and other people can pick up on quite easily. I attract attention, but a lot of people are flaky or when it comes down to meeting they vanish. I don't put that much thought into it - I know how people can be. We'll see how things work out...

Back in the USA

SO what the heck has happened to me over the past few weeks? I haven't written in a while. It hadn't dawned on me that I haven't written in this blog for a while until I was speaking to a coaching client about her blog. Yes, I have three clients who I am working with to get some hours to complete my coaching credentials. I am close - I have one more class to complete in addition to my coaching practice. I can taste that coaching certificate now! It will be an accomplishment that I am quite proud of. I am back in the USA temporarily. Why? My grandmother has passed away at the age of 97. She lived a very full life, but death always comes as a shock. I had to drop everything and fly back to the US for two weeks to attend the funeral and support my family. I am still working remotely - which is more of a challenge than I thought. I really believed that working remotely could be a cinch. Until I realized that Copenhagen is 7 hours ahead, which often necessitates me waking up at un-Godly hours to stay on top of work. Like that 3am conference call. If I had thought about it, I would have just taken the time off. I am feeling a bit overwhelmed by professional and family responsibilities at this moment. The project is going well, but becoming a little tense as we figure out who will pay for what. In the midst of it, I think constantly about my grandmother. Everyone loved my grandmother - she had a wonderful personality until the very end. She never let much bother her and she had experienced the deaths of many loved ones in her 97 years. I miss her greatly. She was a wonderful grandmother and I have many fond memories of her and her personality. The funeral was lovely and other than a hellacious cat fight with my sister (who I love) which happened after the funeral and out of sight of (most) family, the weekend was good. I drove back with my parents yesterday (my sister and I were still angry at each other and refused to ride in the same car so she drove herself). I'm kinda glad I did. My mother told me stories of my grandmother and my family that I had never heard. She talked about me and my sister when we were babies. She seemed to really enjoy sharing these stories of years past and I learned much about my family. I am super glad that I had the resources to return home to be part of this. One thing this funeral has shown me is the power of family an community. In my life abroad, everything and everyone is transient. Here today, gone or going somewhere else tomorrow. This experience has shown me that the true force of life is the connections we build with other people - friends, family, and other loved ones.

Rainy April

This April in Denmark has been one of the coldest and wettest in remembrance. The sun has rarely come out - and when it does it is hazy and hidden occasionally behind soft, thin white or grey clouds that usually foretell more rain. The rain makes me tired and groggy. I wake up every morning and go to work thinking of when I can get back into the bed and go to sleep. It seems like I'm moving in slow motion sometimes. I have heard this complaint several times from others in Denmark as well. I am certain it has to do with the sluggish weather. Since I have my own space again, I've started stretching. I haven't stretched in eons and it shows in my body. Even the slightest stretches really makes my legs and arms howl. One other unfortunate side effect of my current living space is that it exists in a gym void. There are no close workout facilities. This means that I go to the gym maybe twice in a week. The nearest gym is perhaps a mile and a half away. I was asked to speak for my company at the Danish Technical University. I am one of those rare birds that likes public speaking and is pretty good at it. They asked me to address a room of young entrepreneurs about entrepreneurship and I jumped at the chance! Every time I look at speakers at different technical events across Europe, I wonder how they get invited to these events. The reality is that these events are not necessarily selecting people because they are great speakers or all that successful - its just that people sometimes fall into a circle and they are just repeatedly selected for panels and events. Maybe I can fall in with that circle. At the end of my talk, one of the last question was 'do you have a startup'. The answer is 'no'. I don't. I thought about that answer. Having a startup would give me so much more credibility as a speaker. But I am really more interested in connecting with people and helping them reach their goals than creating a startup. But the startup would provide credibility. Should I create a startup just to get some 'street cred'? Well no. Creating a startup for any other reason other than adding value is a waste of time in my opinion. I'm not opposed to creating a successful startup, but the idea really has to grab my heart, soul, and spirit. It can't just be an 'idea' it needs to be something that is a way of life for me. Afterall, building a successful startup often requires a lot of time and energy. I don't want to throw my all into an idea I am only so-so about. Knowing myself, I'll give up and move on. Its also time. Do I want to spend the next several years of my life working exclusively on a startup? People often sacrifice a lot of their personal life for the sake of a startup. My answer is, 'no'. Lets put it this way - if God puts a startup idea in my hands and it feels absolutely right, I'll go for it. If he doesn't, I'll enjoy the ride. Right now, I am enjoying the ride.

Moved into my new place : )

Last Saturday was moving day. Everything went super smoothly - except at some point during the morning, I thought I had lost my debit card! This was really bad news because I needed to get some cash for the movers and run some errands. However, like magic, I had received a DanKort (Danish Debit card) in the mail earlier in the week. I simply activated the DanKort (and THEN located the missing other debit card) and went out to run errands.

It was a beautiful day and I walked to the store. On the way there, I saw some friends on their way to church. The movers arrived early and after an hour and a half, I had all of my stuff in my new apartment. Everything was relaxed and real smooth.

The first thing I did after moving in was hook up my router. For some reason, I didn't notice before that the internet did not have wireless (!!!) this is important to me because I like to move around the apartment while surfing the net. The next thing I did was build my bed.

This bed has moved across two countries and into about six different homes with me. I love it - people ask me why not just sell it and sleep on the bed that's already in the apartment, but the bed holds value for me. Its like a magic carpet. I like it and I am not ready to sell it. I really enjoy sleeping on the bed - after countless moves, it still sleeps like a dream.

After the herculean task of moving everything up several flights of stairs (I've got to get RID of some of this stuff) and putting together a very heavy bed, I had a call with a friend. I was really quite flustered and somewhat tired, but I was able to give the call my full attention.

After a shower, it was dark. I sighed - it felt so relaxing for the sun to set in my own apartment. I surfed the net, then had a hot shower. I did some stretching (I really feel these moves - schlepping stuff up several stories of steps is no fun.) Then I danced a bit. And finally talked with God to give gratitude for my new place.

I went to bed with my laptop. I sleep next to my laptop every night. Why? I fall asleep watching Netflix. My favorite program is one about the universe. I love the pictures of swirling planets and stars and the narration voice is so soothing. I love to fall asleep thinking about far off planets and galaxies completely independent (but somehow interdependent)from Earth swirling about in the universe.

I am so close to work I can walk to work now. I like it. The project I am working on is going PHENOMENALLY well and I am so excited to be part of such a fun and visible event that grows the European startup community. My days are routine - and as I have stated before, not all that much different than my time in San Francisco.

Its funny how I thought that a global move would re-invent my personality into something different. And I must say that in some ways, it has. But in other ways, it has confirmed that I am who I am.

Itchy Feet

I've got itchy feet again. I've lived in Denmark for the past year. I am planning my next move. I don't know when. I don't know where.

I remember when I lived and worked in San Fracnisco, it seemed like time stood still. I was working a job that was a poor fit for me and each day seemed like an eternity. Plans never seemed to pan out. I wondered WHY was life at such a stand-still for me.

Sometimes it seems like we are going no where in life. However, just around the bend is the next great waterfall in the river of adventure.

Now life comes at me faster and faster. No job today. A job tomorrow. Moving this Saturday, but the catch is that the apartment is a sublet and I can only stay until the end of July. What happens at the end of July? Who knows?!?

I secretly like it. I find it THRILLING. I am alive! Sometimes its beautiful. Sometimes its scary. I feel God's presence when things suddenly and magically come together.

I felt that God wasn't listening to my prayers in San Francisco. He was. I was praying for the wrong things. That this-or-that plan would work out. The reality is that things always work out. Maybe not in the way or the timescale we've set for it. But they work out. It wasn't my time to leave. And when it was my time to leave, I left.

I kinda sorta have a plan for 2012 - but you know they say that life is what happens while you are making other plans ; ). I am planning to stay in Copenhagen until late July and then hopefully my current employer will ask me to come to Berlin to run a few projects. If I decide to go to Berlin, I'll spend August, September, October, and November in Berlin. Then I'll go back to the US for the month of December.

When I return to Copenhagen in January, I'll have 6 additional months left on my visa. What does that mean? I really don't know. Maybe I'll come back to Copenhagen or with the new year I'll decide to go somewhere else.

I like Copenhagen, but I am ready to try something new. The possibility of going back to Germany to Berlin is rather exciting - I feel that I can use the change of scenery. But I have no idea where I want to go after Copenhagen. I am putting it in the hands of the Lord.

I am moving into my new apartment Saturday. I realize that it will be the first time in seven long months that I can close the door to my own place. I like the thought. I have some plans of what I'm gonna do with my quiet time. I'm gonna talk out loud to God again. I'll invite friends over for dinner. I'm gonna watch bad movies on Netflix and laugh out loud. Maybe experiment with new food in the kitchen. Dance. Take showers at odd times. Sing-a-long with my favorite songs.

But first and foremost, I am going to let this adventure continue to unfold.

Moving yet again

Divine intervention has struck in my journey yet again. I had only a few days left of a subscription to private listings for apartments here in Copenhagen. Joining is quite expensive, its about $70 USD for two months. However, it has proven effective in finding me an apartment (I found my first apartment that I subletted for six months on this site) so I decided to bite the bullet and pay the money to use the service.

I was really on top of the apartment search thing for about five weeks. Then when I started working full time. I had less time to work on finding an apartment. Apartment searching in Copenhagen is a huge hassle, so part of it was a lack of time. But part of it was my own fatigue with the process.

I started deleting listings pushed out to me rather than bother myself reading about apartments that we overpriced shit-holes or I would be competing with 20 other people to get.

I had a back up plan - to pay an obscene amount of money for a private business apartment. It seemed like a better alternative than wasting enormous time and energy chasing my tail around Copenhagen to see apartments that I ultimately was not selected for. I'm usually pretty frugal, but I got to the point where I was ready to just pay the extra money.

Then biff-bam-boom! I found a sublet that an acquaintance needed to get out from under because he is being sent to San Francisco with his job. A few days later, I signed the contract. As of April 15th the subletted apartment is mine. It will be wonderful to enjoy my own space again : ).

One thing I find so grinding in this journey is the lack of stable housing. The housing market in Europe is so radically different than in the US. I was prepared on some level, but the reality is that after two years, I am damned tired of moving. If Europe really wants to transition its economy to more startups and bring in foreign talent, something has to be done about the lack of housing options for new people.

I've been in Copenhagen for over a year. I am restless again. Life in Denmark has lost some of its luster and I am thinking about my next big adventure. I'd like to live somewhere else in Europe. I am more realistic now. I know that moving from city to city won't change things much - I'll likely grow restless at the one year point and consider moving on. I am absolutely certain that I want to return to the US, but when I don't know.

I thought that going abroad would quell the restlessness I feel in my soul, but on the contrary, its only fed it on some level. When I hear about friends my age settling down, buying homes, and really settling into careers, it does not feel right for me now. I don't know why - it just doesn't. On some level, I believe that the restlessness will evaporate only WHEN its supposed to (when that is - I don't know). Not before, not after. I'm just along for an interesting ride at this point.